![]() ![]() If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Your future probably holds a long-term relationship that will be all the richer for the work you are doing now, so savour this opportunity to grow.”Įvery week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. Gawler-Wright said: “Do not wish away your time as a single person out of an avoidance of loneliness. Of course there are no guarantees, but this is what I would like you to try to do: be on your own for a while and learn who you are. I used to think that, if only I could absolutely know I would meet someone one day, I could actually enjoy my single time. One of the scariest things I found as a single person was thinking I might never meet that special someone. Sometimes, she explained, other people reflect what may be lacking – but that we want – in ourselves, and it’s only by addressing that hole you talk of, that people can really commit to a successful relationship, based in reality and all that goes with it. Gawler-Wright also wanted you to think about what qualities your ex had that you think are lacking in others you meet. Letting go will also give you a chance to process the pain that you are avoiding by trying to keep your fantasy open of being together for ever.” “Your ex has communicated that this painful limbo is not acceptable to her,” Gawler-Wright said, “and it’s important you respect that – let her and you move on. Instead of trying to fix the pain with going back, you need to face it: look at what it’s telling you about who you are and then fold this experience into your life. You are 25, you have lots of years of getting to know yourself better. Honestly, I don’t think she is the one, and that’s OK. I think this is what may have happened with your girlfriend and why, now that she is finally gone, you are convinced she is the one. Many people in long-distance relationships really like the bits in between meeting up: safe in the knowledge they have someone, but far away as a romanticised ideal, so they can become whomever they want in the meantime. Could this also have something to do with how your most important romantic relationship to date has been long-distance?” ![]() She thought it was great that, “At a relatively young age you have already found that relationships matter deeply to you and that emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, are important messengers of what you might really want in life.” But she also wondered if perhaps you “feel trapped or smothered by intimacy with another person, even while you also want the security and affirmation. I consulted Pamela Gawler-Wright, a UKCP-accredited contemporary psychotherapist (), who had some valuable insights. What I think you need to really look at is the difference between the reality of this relationship, and how you now recall it (which is probably tinged with fantasy). It is very easy to look back at situations and relationships and to idealise them but the fact is, you broke up with this girl many times and that must have been for a reason. ![]() I think it’s great you are looking at this with an analytical eye, and well done for taking responsibility for your part in it. I get letters like this from people of all ages, so you are not alone. I’m really miserable and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to fill a hole that she made in my heart when I left her (yes, my own fault) by getting to know other people, and I keep looking for her in other girls. ![]()
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